John E Emigh
905 Green Glenn Drive
Childhood: John’s last name is pronounced “Amy.” His wife’s name is “Amy.” So, yes, phonetically her name is “Amy Amy”. She is very amiable. Amy’s father was a career man in the Navy, based largely in Florida. Being a “Navy Brat” (something Pastor John insists she has never outgrown), her family moved a lot. Pastor John’s parents also moved a lot when he was young, but fortunately he always found them. After a time, his parents gave up and settled permanently in the Cochranton area. He wouldn’t go so far as to say he was a problem child- although his mom has only minor reservations about saying it. Indeed, he was the first kid in the neighborhood whose parents made his crib out of barbed wire. The trend never seemed to catch on.
How They Met: After completing her High School education, Amy went to work in area rest homes. While working at one such establishment she discovered a senile old coot named John, who claimed to be the sole heir of the Howard Hughes fortune. After the rigorous application of several gallons of Oil of Olay and Grecian Formula, this grumpy old man and her were married. To this day Amy still slathers herself with copious amounts of Oil of Olay and continues to shampoo regularly with Grecian.
Young and naive at the time, she soon realized her fairy tale romance and new groom’s story were largely myth. There was a relative upside and downside to this turn of events. On the upside, she remained in the same tax bracket. On the downside she had to keep Pastor John.
The romance is still alive in their marriage. When asked what keeps the spark alive in their relationship, they both answered: “A good sense of humor and because we share a mutual and common love.... chocolate chip cookies.” Pastor John is also quick to add that another key to their marital success is that he makes it a point to never wake up grumpy. He lets her sleep in as late as she wants. When adding this, he is also just as quick to duck.
Hobbies: Pastor John enjoys hunting and fishing. He is always hunting for his glasses and fishing for a pair of matching socks. Amy likes cooking and sewing. She is always cooking up some trouble for him (like hiding his glasses) and needling him about his seeming penchant for mismatched socks.
They also enjoy sports. Indeed, Pastor John won three gold medals in the 1988 Olympics on the American Volleyball team. It was during this time that he broke up with Mary Lou Retton and married Amy, who was then captaining the girl’s volleyball team.
After the Olympics he then went on a whirlwind tour of the American Volleyball Association where he captained his three man team to 4 consecutive national championships, earning $4.5 million in the process. He later invested his entire fortune in a now defunct chocolate chip cookie factory. Official Chapter 11 reason for bankruptcy: “Someone ate up all the profits.”
Amy too would have won several gold medals and done some whirlwind touring of her own if Nancy Kerrigan had not hired someone to bust her kneecaps with a frozen salami. Fortunately she soon recovered from this tragedy and went on to guest host “Regis & Kathie Lee” four times and then landing a late night talk show on KDKA radio. Amy, however, did not recover quite so well and settled for a guest appearance on the “Jerry Springer Show.”